Diabetes by proxy: Wham! And keep walking.

I have diabetes... Diabetes by proxy. My A1c is 5.4, which is absolute perfection. So basically, I don't actually have a physical condition or challenge that requires that I have a different lifestyle. However, I do live with 2 diabetics who have type 1. A lot of people call this the family members or the caretakers or... you know, you have seen the stickers on Facebook that says "I love someone with diabetes". I am one of those people.

So I decided to call that diabetes by proxy. Definition: This state of living does not require insulin shots. It will not be ameliorated with an insulin pump; you do not need to go on a specific diet, unless you want to. You do not need to exercise in order for it to get better. You do not need to avoid carbohydrates in excess. You do not need to wear a medical ID to help medical professionals assist you in case of emergency. However, brace yourself for this diagnosis. This special condition renders you "judgeable" and "correctionable" ( two words I just made up.) When you have diabetes by proxy, get  ready. Everyone will want to tell you about their grandmother who has diabetes. Everyone will want to tell you about their brother or sister or uncle or aunt who died from diabetes... Everyone will want to also tell you that you just have to feed your child more food. Others will tell you she just needs to have less medication in her body. The most horrible symptoms for diabetes by proxy is having to hear someone say: "She's  so cute! How can she have diabetes?"  The second worst symptoms suffered is having to hear someone ask: "Why?" Now, moving on to the very annoying but not as painful symptoms... Having to be accused of exaggerating things; Being classified as a helicopter mom because I am always watching my child. Being judged because " its not done that way" or "I am parent and I know how it's done" or "I am a real diabetic"...Oh, threre is absolutely no curw from it. It presents especifically chronic on those that are educated on diabetes and "speak" the language. Finally,  at the time of diagnosis, you feel like you have been run over a semi truck!

I will decide to cut short my definition, since I do have limited time and space. The point is that diabetes is my life. I have diabetes in my breakfast, at lunch, at snack time, at dinner time, at bedtime, during the night, at sunrise... And every time in between. See, diabetes is everywhere for me and in everything. There is no such thing as a break. The consequences of not paying attention, are also extremely severe. Luckily, I have not had to deal with those consequences. I do not intend to do so. What I do intent to do is continue to manage my diabetes by proxy with organization, planning, education, data gathering, lots a fun, lots of love, learning, play dates, etc.

However different my diagnosis might be, I still have diabetes. It is still something different I need to deal with. ( Instructions: read with annoyed tone) When someone tells me I have no idea what diabetes is like, I really wonder if they know what they're saying. I don't take the shots. I give them. My body does not have deficiencies in my pancreas. But I sure as heck have diminished energy. I carry a glucometer everywhere. I have to make sure there is enough food to be eaten during regular meals, snack time, and during hypoglycemic events. I can't afford nap time, "me" time...basically no time. Improvising is a pain in the butt. When balance is thrown off, I am the one who has to fix it. In essence, diabetes rules most of what I do 24/7/365. So if you don't think I understand what diabetes is, that I don't know what it feels like to be diabetic, you have got to check up on your sources.

No matter what others think they know, its just that...what they think they know. And in reality, most people, diabetic or not have no clue what its like to have diabetes by proxy.

So...when the time comes, stay put, don't try to make things "better" because you might be making them worse, step aside and let me do my thing. There is no prize for the inadequate,  only the price that I, the diabetic by proxy, pay.  The more obstacles i have placed on my path, the higher the price I pay. Excuse yourself and wham! Keep walking.

I am a lab "rat! "

Every morning I wake up to a very disturbed kitchen. And it almost seems like my kitchen never stays clean. I have pots on the stove. I have plenty of bowls and children's-size cups in the sink. I have got  teammate-style Coleman coolers on the countertops. Needless to say, I never seem to have enough dish soap and dishwasher detergent. Unfortunately, I have to confess that I go through dish sponges and scrubbing mechanisms like crazy. For a few hours a day, my kitchen looks perfectly clean.

If I ever had to quantify how long a clean kitchen in my house last, I would have to say that out of 24 hours a day, my kitchen is pretty much clean only about an hour a day. I also have to confess, this is probably one of the most frustrating things about being at home for the most part. Whatever you clean up now, gets disturbed within just a few minutes later.

However, a dirty kitchen in my house, means I am hard at work. It does not mean I'm creating new recipes or trying to come up with something mysterious that the world will consider a delicacy. It means that I am hard at work trying to make sure that I make balanced meals for my family. Now, let me not fool you. I do consume fast food. And I am NOT proud to admit that. However, the more I learn about my family's needs, the more I realize that my kitchen is my lab. And I am meant to be a lab rat.

Back in the day, when I was 16, I stepped into a real biology and chemistry laboratory for the first time. It was such an exciting experience! I remember the rush in my blood when I saw all the tools I was going to get to play with. I was so excited. I never wanted to leave. That day, the first day I stepped into what would be my future, I pledged that I would never leave the lab. I remember going back home a few weeks later and talking to my mother about wanting to be a scientist. To dedicate my life to research. I remember all the passion I had for science and biology and discovering things. It was like a brand new world had just been unveiled before my eyes.

I remember how those ideas continued to evolve. I really wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be a pediatrician. No, I wanted to be a cardiologist. And throughout all this time, I just could not get enough of Science. Science was meant to be my life. That is what I was choosing, I just did not know it. And I knew even less about how truly my life would be complete engulfed and consumed by science processes and... A kitchen!

I have a small kitchen. It is nowhere near as big as some of the other kitchens I have seen. When we moved in 2012 I lost significant counter space. Let me just say, that I really really miss my counter space. It would just give me more space to pile on dirty dishes! :) I am completely joking. However, I am not joking about the fact that I do miss counter space. And why is that? That is because my kitchen, be my lab, is where I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out. I no longer wear a lab coat, but I can assure you that I wear an apron for a significant amount of time.

Having 2 Type 1 Diabetics at home, has meant that I spend long periods of time looking at labels. I also spend long periods of time looking for measuring cups. At this point, I have 5 sets of measuring cups for solids. I have got 1 digital scale, that I never lose. I also have various cups for measuring liquids. My cell phone, is an extension of my kitchen. I have multiple apps to help me convert from one unit to another. I have apps that help me to also verify the nutritional information for specific foods, that might be hard to get. I also have random numbers in my head... Like the fact that one ounce of bread has15 grams of carbs. I also remember that a ration of food that weighs 30 grams, also has 30 grams of carbs. Unfortunately, this is not applicable to all food! I remember that 1 medium sized french fry has 1 gram of carb. I know that 1 teaspoon of ketchup has 5 grams of carbs. I can go on forever! And I have no complaints about it. Like I did mention, I I wanted my life to be, at some point, monopolized by  Science. And it really is!

Mathematics! Mathematics and science! Mathematics do not trail far behind science. Tuesday night, I spent some time trying to come up with a formula for a protein smoothie that would help my daughter keep her blood sugars stable overnight. I remember just pulling out ingredients from the cupboards and of course my measuring cups. Afterwards, I realized I needed my scale ... Basically, all of my lab rat tools. And there goes the clean kitchen! But it was worth it! Math, science, and my kitchen helped me to come up with the perfect mix so that my daughter could have stable nights. I was so excited that she even drank it.

I am a lab rat! I love it! I get to play with toys all day long. I'm not going to lie to you, it is hard to be a lab rat. It is tons of work! But when I have my results, I am looking at my perfectly balanced food... With a balanced glycemic index, balanced carbohydrates, balanced proteins... And even though I cooked it at home, I know exactly how much is in 1/2 cup... I am proud. I am a proud lab rat. I am happy. I am a happy woman living with two very special people. I would not change anything about them. They are giving me my dream. They are giving me everything I always wanted.

So, many years later, after I decided to decline my plan to go to medical school, I am back to where I started. I am so glad I am back to square one! It has been 20 years now since I decided I would have a science-engulfed future. I remember the day in my general biology class where we discussed the Krebbs Cycle. I remember calling my dad and telling him how I was having a hard time memorizing the cycle. And I also remember his very prophetic and wise words telling me.. I must memorize this, because it is the basis of life. He instilled in me the idea that to understand the whole you really needed to understand the unit. This has stuck with me. I will be forever grateful for the fact that he was there to answer my questions. He still is!  And now, 20 years later, I can still remember exactly what the purpose of this important molecular cycle does...it Illustrates what my family needs.

So today, as I find myself back in my lab coat, in a sort of way, I am grateful for the opportunity to change my mind. I am grateful for the opportunity to have had parents that supported me in my goals. I am so grateful because they were not frustrated at the amount of money and time they had put into me getting ready to go to medical school. I am so grateful there was never a comment that was hurtful. We never looked behind. We always moves forward. And because of that, I got the greatest gift I would need 20 years later... Science in my life! My kitchen, my lab! And even though there are no rats, no specimens involved, there is one thing that might seem like a detail of life... but it is everything to me. And that one thing is my family's life.

This morning, again.. I woke up to a disturbed kitchen! And again, it was just a reminder that last night, we were at work trying to make things right . And as I finish this, and get ready to clean my kitchen again just to get it dirty again in a few minutes, I feel accomplished. I feel grateful. I even feel a sense of guidance from heaven above letting me know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am who I was meant to be.  I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I have no regrets. I have nothing but a feeling of being overjoyed by what I get to experience every single day of my life. Despite the difficult times that inevitably come, I am grounded. I am a established. I am inmovable in my purpose. I will continue to be a lab rat.... My kitchen will continue to be mostly full of dirty dishes waiting for a bath. That, my friends, is a promise!

This is too much (grind teeth)!

Yesterday, after we experienced our high because of our perfect 7 for baby's A1c, as I was walking out of the exam room, I heard a fellow T1D mom say: "There is just so much to remember!"

Her cry of frustration came after our doctor asked if her daughter had a medical Id bracelet. This seems like a very simple question. Immediately, as I was walking towards the nurses' station to wait for my written instructions and treatment plan, I thought... A medical ID? Who does not have one? How can a diabetic child walk around without a medical ID that states that the child has Type 1 Diabetes? And in one nanosecond , I judged my fellow T1D mom.  I immediately felt bad for her. I also felt bad for judging her at a moment when she was expressing frustration. I remained still and quiet by the nurses station. It was not my place to say anything.

This quick exchange took about 1 minute while our doctor signed the treatment plan to give me a copy to take home. And that brief moment, I realized that she is right. My fellow T1D mother was overwhelmed. I am sure her mental list of things to do, things to get, things that are absolutely imperative, things to pick up, things to... You catch my drift, right? How in the world can this be done? My doctor interrupted my thoughts, and asked: "Does she have a medical ID bracelet?" I rolled up my daughter's sleeve, to show that my daughter had a silver medical ID with the symbol of health warning, a jelly wristband that says  "I have type 1 diabetes", and finally one more jelly wristbands that has her name, her diagnosis, and my cell phone number. The doctor stared at me, and said: "You are too prepared."

I immediately said to her: "With these perfect children, you are never too prepared." She asked if my daughter was always with me and I answered that she was. She went on to say that it was important for us to remain prepared and organized as we have been until now, so that when school days roll around, there would be no shock from the change.

I walked away, still elates from our wonderful news. I got into my car, after jumping rain puddles with my daughter. It was a great moment. It was also a great opportunity to reflect upon the need for us to be prepared. I have heard many people say that preparation is not transferable. I strongly believe this is true. However, when dealing with situations that are so unpredictable, how can you prepare for the known and the unknown?

I have yet to find great answers that can be applied to everyone else. I can only answer these questions for myself and my daughter's needs. However, in a world where there is so much that needs to get done and so many things that need to be remembered, preparation and organization have never been more crucial for a stable life style.

Just right then and there I realized that in order to do anything in this life, we must be willing to learn. Willing to accept the inevitable changes that come to our lives. Willing to take the unexpected and run with it. But also willing to withdraw from the world when needed. We also have to be willing to enter into our own personal wildernesses all alone, armed only with faith and the knowledge we can do it. Throughout this time, I have been blessed with many offers of assistance. But but I have accepted that this is my wilderness to conquer.  My challenge to tackle.  And also my victory to experience.  I have been slowly prepared for this and I will not fear. I cannot fail. I too experience feelings of being overwhelmed...but nothing overcomes that faster than a smile from my little one. Yes! This is too much, but is it also worth everything!

Lucky number 7.

There are movies, superstitions, urban legends, etc. about lucky number 7. There are 7 days of the week. A lot of people think 7 is a number of perfection. No matter what the number 7 might mean to you, 7 means the world to me!

7 equals perfect control. In the world of diabetes, 7 is extremely desirable. And we found out today, that we hit lucky number 7. Our last check up, we had a 6.5, which is great,  just a little low for a toddler. Our goal was to hit lucky number 7. Today, we accomplished that's goal.

Our daughter's A1c ( this gives you an estimate of the stability of sugar levels in your bloodstream for the last 3 months) is 7!

I am so grateful for my daughter. I am so grateful for the help I get from God in helping her through changes and challenges at this early age of her life. I am so grateful, that I was raised with the knowledge and the confidence that I can accomplish my goals as long as I am consistent in my efforts and focused on my plan.

Today, I feel more accomplished and happier than the day of my graduation at BYU. Even though it was hard work to write a master's thesis, this accomplishment is so much more significant than that and that any professional accomplishment I have ever achieved.

In obtaining our lucky number 7, I feel the sense of peace, of knowing that God is close by and watching over us. I feel the sweetness that comes from confirming that the path we are taking is the right one. I am right! I feel the excitement that comes from knowing that health is preserved. I feel the emotion of the future, knowing that my daughter can also join the ranks of healthy Type 1 Diabetic mothers who manage to preserve their health enough to have their own children. I feel the blessing that comes from possibilities... From the possibility of maybe thinking that I am protecting the next generation of my family. And I feel the certainty that comes from knowing that I as she continues to learn to live a healthy life, she too will be invested with the knowledge and the determination to assist any of her own children that might face this challenge in this life.

Too many people talk about a cure. Too many people talk about finding a special way to fix something that so many people believe is broken. I understand. Different in this case is a great challenge. It's a chronic disease. I would be overjoyed at the accomplishment of the development of technology that would help my husband and my daughter live an easier life. However, today, I feel strongly that come what may, there is a bright future out there for my little 3 year old daughter. There are choices! There is healthy living! This all means there is a high price to pay as well. As long as my daughter is so young, I will happily continue to pay the price that needs to be paid for her health. I pray to God, that she too will be able to develop the desire to pay the high price necessary to be healthy. God knows, and the people that know me the best know, that I I'm determined to continue to hit lucky number 7. I pray thar my husband and I can watch her bloom as we age together. HOPE! THAT IS WHAT LUCKY NUMBER 7 MEANS TO ME! PERFECT HOPE.

T1D Mom, Autistic Mom, Down Syndrome, etc... we are a force to be reckoned with!

Sundays! I love Sundays. It is my favorite day of the week. I love going to church with my family. I love the time I spend with all the children that go to the same church I do. Its a challenging day. It means that along with a few great women, I get to hang out with 23 kids, sometimes more. Sundays remind me, that life is bigger than my own challenges. It also reminds me that I am NOT alone.

Today, I had a wonderful chance that I hardly ever get. I had the chance to sit and chat with some amazing women who have perfect children with different working bodies, like my 3 year old. Their kids are not Type 1 Diabetics, but they have, each one of them, their own challenges. I enjoyed to  watch them play all together, in their own way. I could not help but feel completely overwhelmed by how perfect they are. I was amazed and so happy to see their progress. I love to see them being a part of a group instead of being isolated. I was so proud of their mothers and their efforts and everything they do on a daily basis to help these children progress and grow at their own pace.

Here we were, women from different countries and different walks of life talking about genetics and environmental issues that impact our children's health. In addition to being there to help our children learn about God, it was more like we were having a summit, talking about things that were very important in our own lives.

I thought for a second about how the world discounts full-time mothers. Or how they even judge those that have jobs in addition to having to race their children and deal with the differences of how some of their children might learn. I felt small compared to how these women work hard each day to help their children be healthy and happy. At the same time, I came to the realization that mothers of children whose bodies and minds work differently, are without a doubt, a force to be reckoned with. I was amazed to see how in fact education and information is processed differently through the eyes of motherhood. I realized that there is no other spirit that is stronger, than a mother who has a vision for their child with different needs.

I am so blessed by these women! I am so happy they are in my life. I am humbled by there efforts. And I am strengthened by the faith. I am so lucky that I get to spend time with them. I am so grateful  to call them my friends.

Despite the fact that all of our children are different, I feel there's a special bond between us. So today, Sunday, is as beautiful as any day can be. However, it is a magnanimous day  because we reconfirmed that we are not alone. We are not weak. We are not ignorant. We are strong. We are our children's  best advocates. And because of our vision for our children, they will grow up to be productive adults in our communities.

To you dear friends, who share the challenge of raising a perfect child that works differently,  I say to you: thank you. Thank you for your example. Thank you for the strength of your actions. And the faith your words convey, even when you say nothing at all.

Less can be much more fun.

Hanging out is so fun! Going places, is so necessary. We have learned that just because we have 3 year old who also happens to be a Type 1 Diabetic, doesn't mean we can't do the things we want to do. What it does mean is that we have to do it under the right conditions and surrounded by the right environment.  Many times I wonder why outings and fun times workout and other times it just doesn't. Sometimes, outings or interactions that are supposed to be fun filled, can turn into a disaster! I am learning that there is an exact formula to have good experiences. I can always prepare myself and my child for whatever is in front of us. But I am also learning that I cannot prepare others for it. I'm learning that I cannot control the children or the adults that are part of our experience. So because I cannot control anything but how I prepare my daughter and how I prepare myself, I guess the only thing I can do is make sure that I do my best to help others understand.

At times, trying to educate others has been the most frustrating experiences I have had. I have to admit, that helping children understand has been my favorite part of our 10-month journey. Adults...not so much. Well, they are hard.

But, to continue the positive note that we have had today, we have to reconfirm that a day at the zoo, the aviary or any other place can be a fun filled experience. As we continue to delve into this new lifestyle, I continue to discover the things that we can do happily without too much worry.

And yet today, was another experiment, that reminds us that preparation and a good environment is all we need...and sometimes less is  definitely all.

What is wrong with her?

I have lost count how many times I have heard this question. What is wrong with her? I constantly have to give an explanation that there is nothing wrong with my daughter. Her body just works differently. I have heard many people refer to her as a sick child. And I wonder really, if they're right. Most of the time, I tell myself that she's not sick. And I have also wondered if, at times, this is just me, as a mother, in denial. However, the more and more I get educated about my daughters condition... I realize that there's really nothing wrong with her. Her body truly just works differently. I times it seems like the whole concept of "working differently" is too much to bear for some. I think it is also too much for other people to digest.

But as time has gone by, I have come to the understanding that it is not something that I should be worried about. How she is and who she is, is just how things are meant to be. A few months before my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, I learned, the hard way, that it is useless to try to understand why things happen in this life. Most things that really shock us or simply challenge our vision of who we are and what our lives are, are... nonsensical!None of these things, should not happen, according to us. Therefore, for a while now, I have learned that there is no point to trying to figure out the formula of why things happen and when they happen.

Just yesterday, I had the opportunity to answer this very same question that I have been answering for 10 months now. What is wrong with her? And I love the fact that it came from a child. This child, who I will call Mary, for privacy purposes, is a girl that I absolutely love. This is not the first time a child that I love asked me this question.  I have thoroughly enjoyed explaining Type 1 Diabetes to children, in the most basic way. What is wonderful about this opportunity, is that there is no guile, there is no ulterior motive, there is no discrimination, there is absolutely nothing but pure curiosity to understand the reason why my daughter was being poked on her finger. I love these opportunities! I also love the fact that, because I am surrounded by so many children on a regular basis, I get to have this conversation with them. As a mom, I'd like to feel like I'm educating my daughter's future best friends. As a member of this "exclusive community", human being, and parent and spouse of Type 1 Diabetics, I would like to think that I am teaching and educating the next generation. For so long it seems like there was so little information out there available to the people around us, and that is the reason why so many people wondered... What is wrong with daughter? I have learned to easily explain that there's small part of my daughter, inside her, that needs a little help. I would like to think that most of us think there's nothing wrong with getting a little help once in awhile.

So, nowadays, when I am faced with the questions about the kind of help my daughter needs, and why it needs to be in the form of a poke on her finger, an injection on her bum, I feel at peace. I feel at peace knowing, that she has the help she needs; That because of those pokes and injections she will be a healthy adult. And that the fact that she has to be poked, or injected, has absolutely nothing to do with her value for her capability.

And finally, when faced with the question what is wrong with my daughter? The only thing I can think of is to say: nothing. She is absolutely perfect.